More Questions to Ponder

- Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?



- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?



- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?



- If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?



- Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport it by ship, it's called cargo?



- Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?



- Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"



- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



- Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dish washing liquid contains real lemons?



- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?



- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?



- Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?



- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?



- How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?



- How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?



- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?



- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?



- Why do you often see people ordering double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke?



- At ball games, why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?



- Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?



- Who do you save when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?



- OK, so what's the speed of dark?



- If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?



- Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?



- Do prison buses have emergency exits?



- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?



- What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?



- Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?



- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



- Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?



- How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

The 3-Minute Timed Test

OK so this is a bit different. I want you to grab a notepad, or piece of paper and a pen for this one and go through questions 1 to 20...



Would be even better if you do this with a friend, maybe a race? Remember you only have 3 (THREE) minutes!



Here Goes...



1. Read everything before doing anything.

2. Put your name on the upper right-hand corner of the paper.

3. List three jobs that you would love to do.

4. List three things you would tell your employer about yourself.

5. Would you hire yourself? If so write: YES! YES! YES!

6. What number would come next?: 3,5,7,9,___

7. Write the number 7 next to the answer in question 6.

8. Write down the item that does not belong: pen, pencil or hat

9. Draw five small squares.

10. Put an "X" in each square

11. Draw a circle around each square

12. Multiply: 120 x 4

13. Loudly call out your first name when you get to this point.

14. If you think you have followed the directions carefully, call out LOUDLY "I have!"

15. Add: 1457 + 8950 =

16. Count backwards from 10 to 1 loud.

17. Write down all the even numbers on this page.

18. Say loudly, "I am nearly finished, and I have followed directions.

19. Draw a happy face here

20. Now that you have finished reading this sheet carefully, do only sentences one and two.





Hope you enjoyed...

One Liners - Some funny, some to get ya thinking...

I'm getting requests for more one-liners so here's a little something to keep you laughing. I put together this list from a bunch of random places including websites, my email and a cpl friends... Thank you guys for the interest in my blog, I've gotten nothing but positive reviews, Thank you!!





I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.



Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.



Too many freaks, not enough circuses.



I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.



I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

(unless I buy something)



Stupidity is not a handicap! Park elsewhere!



If aliens are smart enough to travel through space,

why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?



If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.



No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.



Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?



Children seldom mis-quote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.



George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.



I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.



Girls are like roads, the more they curve, the more dangerous they are.



Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"



Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.



I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.



The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.



We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.



Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?



Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".



When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?



See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.



Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?



Only in North America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



They call it "PMS" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.



The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.



Only dead fish go with the flow.



Who lit the fuse on your tampon?



A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.



I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.



Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.



If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.



Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?



A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



Born Free... Taxed to Death



If at first you don't succeed...... you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.



Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.



Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.



Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?



Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!



Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.



The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.



There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.



Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing



Clones are people two.

Surgery

Found this one while scraping together some more one-liners for your enjoyment... Decided to post... Here Goes...

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY



# Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

# Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

# Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

# Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

# Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

# Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

# Damm! There go the lights again...

# What's this doing here?

# That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

# Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

# Sterile, schemerle. The floor's clean, right?

# What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

# OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

# This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

# Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

# Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

# Isn't this the guy with the really lousy insurance?

Marriage made in Heaven.

Nice one...





One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.



The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.



A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get married in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”



With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out



“Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

Million Bucks

Found this one hilarious, well... funny, Here goes...







Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..



“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.



“Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster.”



“I got it from my genie.”



“You have a genie?” he asked.



“Yes, he’s right here in my pocket.”



“Could I see him?”



He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.



The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”



“Yes I will,” the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master’s pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.



About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, “What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”



He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”

What are you?

Found this one while at work, can't remember what i was looking for but as I thought of adding it, it sure reminded me that it's time to update me blog with new posts. So here goes...



At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.



As she comes back the male doc says “I bet you are a surgeon.” She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.” “That’s very clever” she says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist”. “Wow, how did you guess?”



“I didn’t feel a thing.”