One Liners - Some funny, some to get ya thinking...

I'm getting requests for more one-liners so here's a little something to keep you laughing. I put together this list from a bunch of random places including websites, my email and a cpl friends... Thank you guys for the interest in my blog, I've gotten nothing but positive reviews, Thank you!!





I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.



Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.



Too many freaks, not enough circuses.



I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.



I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

(unless I buy something)



Stupidity is not a handicap! Park elsewhere!



If aliens are smart enough to travel through space,

why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?



If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.



No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.



Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?



Children seldom mis-quote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.



George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.



I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.



Girls are like roads, the more they curve, the more dangerous they are.



Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"



Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.



I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.



The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.



We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.



Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?



Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".



When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?



See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.



Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?



Only in North America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



They call it "PMS" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.



The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.



Only dead fish go with the flow.



Who lit the fuse on your tampon?



A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.



I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.



Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.



If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.



Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?



A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



Born Free... Taxed to Death



If at first you don't succeed...... you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.



Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.



Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.



Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?



Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!



Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.



The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.



There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.



Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing



Clones are people two.

Surgery

Found this one while scraping together some more one-liners for your enjoyment... Decided to post... Here Goes...

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY



# Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

# Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

# Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

# Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

# Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

# Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

# Damm! There go the lights again...

# What's this doing here?

# That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

# Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

# Sterile, schemerle. The floor's clean, right?

# What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

# OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

# This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

# Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

# Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

# Isn't this the guy with the really lousy insurance?

Marriage made in Heaven.

Nice one...





One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.



The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.



A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get married in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”



With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out



“Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

Million Bucks

Found this one hilarious, well... funny, Here goes...







Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..



“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.



“Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster.”



“I got it from my genie.”



“You have a genie?” he asked.



“Yes, he’s right here in my pocket.”



“Could I see him?”



He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.



The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”



“Yes I will,” the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master’s pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.



About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, “What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”



He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”

Devil's Match

For some reason I can't seem to find the option for adding pictures to my posts... I'm not sure if it's changes made by blogspot themselves but I'll edit these posts with images as soon as I can...





Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar.



The Devil wanders across to the old man and says “Do you know how I am?” The old man took another sip of his beer and answered “Yep”



The Devil stared at the old man and asked “Well aren’t you afraid of me?” The old boy looks the Devil up and down for a minute and shrugs “I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you?”