I Judge You By Your Derby Name

Yes yes, everyone knows about the debate about derby names; are they good for the sport?  Should we dump them?  Blah blah blahbety blah blah.  That debate isn't going anywhere, but I still have an opinion about derby names.  I instantly make a judgement about you from your name.  Oh don't give me that face. You chose that name to represent you, nobody forced you to take it, so I'm allowed to have an opinion about it, even if it isn't the correct one in your particular case.  These are all just generalities, so calm the eff down and have some fun with me.  I'm putting on my Judgey McJudgerson hat...three...two....one....go!



Girl name+ Tough thing= old Skool

This kind of name could also be referred to as the Marilyn Manson method of naming yourself.  His whole band took the names of famous models or actresses and the last name of serial killers to come up with their monikers.  Marilyn Monroe + Charles Manson, and you have a hell of a stage name.  A lot of original derby players used a similar method.  Suzy Hotrod, Bonnie Thunders, and Daisy Rage are just a few of these old skool naming conventions.  They are plain but tough names, and usually that means the skaters who have them have a ton of experience and damned good at skating.  Watch out for the Old Skool named skater!

Trudy Struction at her finest! Photo by Joshua R. Craig

Punny Names

Ah derby skaters, some of you are seriously clever people!  Great examples of punny names are Celia Fate, Trudy Struction, Shenita Stretcher, Cody Pendant and any name with "Anita" at the beginning of it.  If you have a punny name, it means you're good with words, probably funny, and you put thought into decisions.  I have a punny name too, but I was named by others, so it doesn't really apply.  I wish I was clever!  Some of you have such clever names, I have to sit and sound them out when I'm reading a program.  I feel like I'm reading vanity plates on a road trip.  Some I get right away, and some take me a while, and boy do I feel stupid when I figure them out!



Popular Culture Name Parodies

These are risky, because how popular are the people you parody going to be during your derby career?  Grim Carrey, Grace Killy, Pelvis Costello and Billie Brawliday are few of the successful ones, because the stars they're parodying have staying power. Derby skaters with parodied names are clever and very very aware of popular culture.  They also want a little bit of the shared glory, so they might wear outrageous boutfits or step up to jam a lot.



Literary Reference Names

Skaters with literary references are beyond clever, they're intelligent and bibliophiles. Tart of Darkness, Something Wicked, Goldie Bloxx,  H.P. Lovecrash, and Hanna Belle Lector are just to name a few.  Skaters with literary names make me feel smart when I can figure out just what they're referring to.  Yea!  I also approach skaters with literary names a bit cautiously....have they been reading The Art of War?

And why isn't that a derby name?



The Ridiculously Sublime Names

Skaters with the ridiculous names, names that shouldn't be names, but are AWESOME in their unnameness are like finding two fortunes in one fortune cookie, and they both are fantastically positive!  I rejoice in the ridiculously sublime names!  Some of my favorites, Shark Week, Robot Unicorn Attack, Whippety Pow, Bork Bork Bork and Lady Quebeaum are all just fantastic names.  You skaters have a shiny aura around you when you're on the track. Such imagination!  Such pizazz!  Such testicular fortitude!   I wish I could be that bold!



Alcohol Based Names

If you have an alcohol based name, I think you like to drink.  Am I wrong?  It also follows that if you have a marijuana reference in your name, you like marijuana.  That's obvious, yes?  Yes.  Moving on.



Offensive Names

You picked an offensive name, so am I too far off in saying that you want to offend people?  If your name has a racial slur, or a cleverly hidden C-word in it, you probably wanted to cause a stir, get in people's faces, and congratulations, you have.  I judge thee offensive!  I always think it's funny when someone has an obnoxious name, and they get offended when someone calls them out on it.  "How dare you judge me!"  Honey, I dare because you signed up for it with that name.  And no, I'm not going to call anyone out in particular, but go and check out Two Evils when you get bored at work and just count how many crude names there are.  It might make a good drinking game for the paragraph above.



Judgey McJudgerson signing off!