New ways to get our kicks

“Look at you, man.  I can’t believe this day has come,” my buddy Jeff said as he watched me undergo one of life’s great transitions.  Like the doctor from “Field of Dreams” who could never go back to his old life once he stepped off the field, my life would never be the same once I walked to the edge of the parking lot and stepped onto the grass beyond. 

I’d begun the day as a regular dude.  I would end it as a soccer dad. 

My wife Kara, a newly minted soccer mom, was already on the field with our four-year-old son Evan, participating in loosely organized pandemonium.  A coach with a whistle barked out orders while a roiling sea of children attempted, for the most part, to comply.

The league was structured so that there aren’t fixed teams, just a gaggle of children who do practice drills for half an hour, then break into smaller groups for scrimmages. 

“They don’t have real games.  They don’t even have teams.  Who came up with this idea?” Kara asked when we received the email that explained how the league operated for Evan’s age group. 
 We pictured walking up on our first day to the soccer field, where there would be a drum circle and people in knit hats passing handrolled cigarettes.

“Dig it, man.  There are no losers in soccer.  Like, you know?” the coach would say.

But after watching dozens of soccer balls sitting patiently as tiny cleats whizzed past them over and over, it became clear that some skill-building was probably a good idea, especially before putting the kids in front of concession-stand-paying customers.

After the drills, the kids broke into smaller groups for the main event: the scrimmage.  Evan and his two teammates donned their blue jerseys, while the opposing three kids put on red jerseys.  Game on.  This is what we came to see.

“Let’s do this,” Jeff said.  After he’d booked his weekend visit with us, Jeff found out about the start of soccer season.  For his own master class in being a good sport, he attended the game with us.

As soon as a parent placed a ball on the field, the red team sprang to life, dribbling and passing the ball before kicking it into the open goal.  Evan gamely ran in the general direction of the ball while his two teammates cried and ran to the sidelines.  It wasn’t the other team scoring that bothered them, it seemed, so much as the idea of soccer in general.  There may be no crying in baseball, but, in my experience, there is a LOT of crying in soccer.

This process repeated itself about a dozen more times.  Eventually, a parent started serving as a goalie for Evan’s team.

“I think the red team is juicing,” Jeff whispered.

Final score: 37-2, or thereabouts.  And that was due to a late comeback, during which the opposing parents were holding back their kids by their jerseys.  Evan had absolutely no idea that his team had just been drubbed, though, so he walked off the field happy.

 You haven't lost if you haven't noticed.

Afterward, over a well-deserved pizza lunch, Evan said, “I think that boy was tryin’ to make me not get the ball.”

“That’s right, Evan.  He didn’t want you to have it,” I said.

“Why not?” Evan asked.   

We may have dulled his killer instinct with all our talk of sharing and being nice.  For all the good that sports can do for kids, helping them to excel apparently requires a bit of reprogramming.

“See that nice little boy wearing the different-colored jersey?  Destroy him, Sweetheart.”

That must be what soccer parents are supposed to do.  We’ll check into it, right after we purchase a minivan.   

You can give Mike Todd a red card at mikectodd@gmail.com.

How to Watch Derby to Learn Stuff and Junk

I'm heading to Asheville this weekend with my silly bean bag chair.  We're going to park ourselves, as close as possible to the action, and then I'm going to be watching all of the high powered derby ever!  Unfortunately for me, I tend to watch actively, so this is going to be an exhausting weekend even if I'm not skating!



I notice a lot of people don't sit down to watch derby in a way to learn from it, which is ok sometimes.  There's nothing wrong with cheering for the team you love and not giving a rat's ass about strategy or the philosophy of the team you're cheering for!  But, when you have a situation where you can watch multiple bouts of derby and watch the same teams multiple times, as a derby player, you really should take advantage of the opportunity before you.  Also, TAKE NOTES!  If you watch enough derby, your brain turns into derby soup.  Take notes with each game!



1.  Watch the warm ups.  You can tell a lot about a team's philosophy and what they've been really working on by how they run their warm ups.  After watching Texas this weekend, I knew that they really focus on their clean and small stops; true to their warm ups, the Texas blockers were amazing to watch as they absolutely shut down jammer after jammer.



You can also tell a lot about the player by how she warms up.  Some people need their own space and music, some are just focused on their inner game, and some are smiling and chattering with another player, maybe even doing some silly booty blocking.  People's personalities are really on display during a warm up.



If I see a warm up that I particularly like or think is effective, I totally steal it.  Yoink!  Mine now!  It's so much easier to take a drill after you've seen people do it successfully.  It's too easy to read about a drill and totally screw it up, so I consider watching teams my demo for how to run certain drills, especially if I see a team warming up with a drill I just read and wanted to try on allderbydrills.com.



2.  Think about the overall strategy of the team.  I tend to watch one team at a time, which is hard to do when you want to watch all the awesome ever!  I will pick the team I want to follow at a tournament and watch how they choose their rosters, implement their strategy and see who their successful jammers are.  Do they like the front or the back?  Who did they leave off of their roster?  Did they roster that particular skater in the next game?  Who were their hot jammers?  All of these variables can change from game to game, so following a team through multiple games can be very enlightening.  You can also pose these questions to yourself for fun.



a.  If you were captain who would you have placed on the roster for this game?  (Sometimes making an investment in a tournament program can be very helpful for this situation)

b.  Who is their most effective jammer?  Why?

c.  Is their strategy successful against the team they're playing?  Why or why not?

d.  If you could talk to their coach, what advice would you give?

e.  What is the weakness and strength of the team you're watching?  (You're not allowed to say 'their strength is Gotham,' that's cheating.)

f.  Ask yourself what you would have to improve on or change in your skating style to skate with that team.  Sometimes it's going to be nothing.  Sometimes it's going to seem like your list could go on until 2014 Champs!



3.  Finally, you should watch all of the skaters and find someone you want to emulate.  Yes, everyone loves Bonnie Thunders; you can also pick and learn things from skaters you haven't seen before.  Try to pick a goal that you can work towards when you are at practice.  You don't even have to mention it to anyone formally, but make sure you're keeping that goal in your head as you work on drills and scrimmage.

And maybe you can talk to her in real life!  Photo by Punk Blocker!

The greatest thing about the play-offs is that you can watch the games again in the archives!  Watching games multiple times can really help you isolate strategy, especially if you got caught up in the game when you were watching it live!

How Much Ego Is Too Much Ego?

Ego is a funny thing in derby; if you don't have enough, you aren't confident.  If you have too much, you're a giant asshole.   It's a fine line to tiptoe across, that's for sure.  Half of roller derby is skill, but the other half is the confidence to put that skill into practice at the right time.  There are a lot of confident people in derby, but I think there may be a lot of egomaniacs too.  Egomaniacs can really disrupt the team dynamic; too many teams have to bear the burden of dealing with an egomaniac who seems to use derby as her personal stage.  It's hard to tell the difference sometimes, between a naturally confident person and an egomaniac, so here is a general guide that may help.

ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!!!

Hints you might be dealing with an egomaniac in your league.



1.  They can't take a small joke at their expense.  She won't be able to kid around about her position or skill as a jammer or blocker.  They also can't deal with anyone besting them on the track, even if it is a fluke or a one time situation.  Obviously the ref wasn't watching carefully enough!



2.  Egomaniacs always are ready to talk about all of their accomplishments, without acknowledging that they were made because of the team's help.  They may be an incredibly amazing jammers, but they didn't score all those points without their blockers.  The idea of a team effort is so foreign to them that they wouldn't even consider it. 




3.  Egomaniacs feel that they will save the day, win the game, or make the play of the day. They're the only ones who can, don't you know? If someone else "saves the day" or gets mvp, it will seriously put a cramp in their enjoyment of the sport.  "Something just isn't right! I'm the best, not her!"



4.  Egomaniacs don't listen when other people are being praised.  It's just not that important to them.  If someone else is being praised, they don't want to know, and don't care.



5.  If they have to apologize for something, they will say it in a way that justifies their crappy behavior.  "I'm sorry I hit you in the face when you were jamming, but I was feeling so frustrated because you kept back blocking me and the refs weren't calling it."  Gee, thanks for your apology.



6.  They feel like they're above doing league work, like laying down the track, or off skates warm ups.  Clearly, they're too good for that sort of thing. 



7.  Egomaniacs constantly talk about themselves.  CONSTANTLY.  They will look for people to talk about how amazing they are, like little, tiny mirrors. You're only interesting if you're reflecting their greatness.



8.  Egomaniacs are never wrong.  Nothing they do is wrong, and they make no mistakes.  Even if they are proven wrong, they are RIGHT IN THEORY.



So, what if you have an egomaniac on your team, and you have to deal with her?  How do you cope?



1.  You can ignore the egomaniacal behavior.  This doesn't always work, and it's not always possible, but sometimes you have to do it in order to not end up strangling the egomaniac in the locker room with her derby socks.  I like to think of it as extinction.  Egomaniacs crave attention, and if you don't feed them, you're not adding to their growing hunger.  This is frustrating because fans, other players and announcers will probably feed their ego puh-lenty.



2.  Be assertive but not aggressive with the egomaniac.  Don't let them push you or bully you into doing things or making decisions you wouldn't normally make.  Stand your ground with an egomaniac, and even though they may not act any better, they might acknowledge that they can't just force you to do things their way.



Unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot of ways to deal with egomaniacs, short of just not being around them.  If it helps, try to remember that egomaniacs usually come from a background where they got little to no recognition in their daily lives.  They just want love and attention and recognition, but they don't understand the normal way to get those things, and so they come on strong and in a ridiculous fashion.  This doesn't make their behavior acceptable by any means, but it might help you feel a little less frustrated when dealing with the possible egomaniac in your league.

Cutting the umbilical cable

“Are you kidding me?” said the guy as he got in line behind me, shaking his head at the expanse of humanity between us and the service desk. 

I smiled and gave him a look that said either, “What are you gonna do?” or, “Hey, nice legs.”  I’m not that good at giving looks.

Even though some of my compatriots were disgruntled at having to wait in such a long line, I was quite gruntled; I’d gladly have waited all day to reach that desk.  At the end of the journey, I would be dumping off a money vacuum that had been inhaling piles of twenties straight of our checking account every month for far too long.

“You cutting the cable, too?” I asked the angry guy behind me.  We both cradled large cable boxes in our arms.  The previous month, we’d each paid the cable company $6.95 for the privilege of renting our respective boxes, including the twenty-four-cent surcharge for the remote.  During the six years I’d rented that box, I’d paid $500 for it, money which could have gone toward a much better cause, like twenty-three minutes of daycare.

He looked at me like I was nuts.

“Nope, just getting it fixed,” he replied.  Then, perhaps sensing that he was speaking to a person of extreme cheapness, he said, “But I’d love to dump it.  When you wrap in Internet and phone, I’m paying $240 a month.”

All of a sudden, the suspicion of insanity became mutual.  This guy might as well have just run through the nearest forest every month, dumping the contents of his wallet for woodland creatures to use as nesting material.  Generously assuming that internet and phone accounted for $100 of his bill, he was paying $140 each month for TV.  Nothing is that entertaining.  Squirrels could easily have made better use of that money. 

I’d recently waged a campaign in our house to rid ourselves of wasteful spending.  With two kids in daycare, we’re basically paying for a second house, except instead of lakefront views, we get glitter on our floorboards.  (Incidentally, if early learning institutions decided to put a moratorium on the use of glitter in art projects, I doubt anyone would complain.  Just throwing that out there.)

The cable box became my number one target.  By switching our phone provider and using cheaper TV alternatives, we could save $100/month without really changing our life-wasting habits.  The decision seemed to be a no-brainer, though one could rightly question the decision-making capabilities of people who choose to spend their precious few moments on Earth watching The Bachelorette.

Already, our kids have grown up watching streaming shows over the Internet, with no idea what a commercial is.  We find this to be a nice byproduct of foregoing regular TV, though our children may enter adulthood without the ability to synchronize bathroom breaks and commercial breaks.
Once, on a JetBlue flight, we found a Dora the Explorer episode for our then-three-year-old son Evan to watch.  Five minutes in, a commercial came on.

“PUT DORA BACK ON!  PUT DORA BACK ON!” Evan screamed while a cartoon bird tried to sell him Cocoa Puffs.  It was his first commercial.  We spent the remainder of the break wiping his tears and explaining capitalism to him.

Over time, we came to realize that with all the other available programming options, our cable box had become a very expensive clock.  It was the only clock in the house that was correct for the few weeks after a Daylight Savings Time switch, but the expense no longer made sense.

“What can I do for you?” asked the lady behind the counter when my turn finally came.

“We already shut off our TV service.  Just handing over the box and remote,” I said.  Then I gave her a look that said either, “What a relief,” or, “Hey, nice legs.”
   
You can cancel your Mike Todd service at mikectodd@gmail.com.

Excuses Excuses, Are You Flaking Out?

Derby is an all consuming hobby-sport.  Period.  For most of us, derby doesn't pay the bills; we pay to play, and until that changes, most people try to fit derby into their busy lives the best way they can.  And yes, real life does interfere occasionally.  A good example of this is I was signed up to volunteer this Saturday at the D1 tournament in Richmond, but a family situation got in the way and I had to cancel on my obligation.  Am I bummed out?  Yes, but at least I was able to give some advanced notice to the volunteer coordinator.  I still feel bad though. 



Unfortunately, it seems that some people don't know what is a legitimate excuse for not making it to a derby event you signed up to do, and being a complete flake and just backing out of commitments.   Yes, derby has its share of flakes, and I'm going to guess that each and every one of us has flaked on doing something derby related, such as practice, playing in an away game, staffing a derby event, or doing your league work.

Listen to the unicorn. Picture by Ava Gore

 

So how do you know if you're flaking out?  Each case is different, but here is a  guide to whether or not you're flaking out, or you actually have a legit excuse.  Add up all of your flake points and see where you fall on the scale.



1. You promised to be playing at a game or an invitational or attending a training, and when the day arrives you're just too overwrought to go. (Worth ten flake points each time you've done it) THIS IS NOT OK!  I understand that real life is busy, and you really honestly thought you'd get your laundry done before that weekend, or balance your checkbook, or get your house cleaned, but you didn't.  Let's face it, you had an inkling that you probably weren't going to be able to get all of that real life crap done; have you ever gotten all of that done in a derby free weekend?  Probably not....be honest.  It's ok if you occasionally get overwhelmed and ditch an event.  Once every two years is human, but any more than that, and you're crossing over into flake territory.  Ok, maybe once a year...but no more than that!  If you find yourself in this situation more than once in a while, you need to reevaluate how much free time you have to dedicate to extra derby stuff.  



2.  You were headed to practice, but traffic was bad so you just went home.  (Worth five flake points each time you've done it)  Hey, I hear you.  Traffic can really mess up your plans, and if the road is going to be closed for hours and hours, yes you might as well go home. My drive to our practice space is pretty congested with rush hour traffic.  It can take 30 minutes to an hour, depending on the morons on the road that day, but I've never gotten so disgusted that I just turned around to go home.   



3.  You have a bout day job, but you can't do it at that time because....(Worth fifty flake points every time you've done it) If you answered anything other than "my job wouldn't let me take that time off" or "my family member was in the hospital" or "my babysitter fell through" then you had a flaky moment.  I've heard people say things like "It's just too early" or "I had a hair appointment then" or "I just can't do a job before I skate in a game!  It's just not conducive to my concentration."  Really?  Flakety flake flakerino!  Remember, this is a team sport and everyone needs to do his or her job.  It ain't all about you!



4.  After learning of all of the obligations of the travel team, you commit and make the roster, but then you decide to bail on an away game. (Worth 100 flake points each time you've done it) You are definitely falling in the flake category if you pull this on your own league, without a real life situation coming up.  I understand that money gets tight for travel, but if you promised to meet all of your travel obligations for your league, you should plan on saving the money to go.  Now, you don't give yourself flake points if your financial situation has changed between the time you signed up and the time of the game.  Did you lose your job?  Did your car die?  Is a family member in the hospital and you have to help care for them?  All of those reasons are legit.  No flake points are earned.  You can't go because you don't want to?  You can't go because you need to work extra to pay off that bitchin' pair of shoes you bought?  You can't go because you went on a last minute trip to Vegas and now you have no extra cash?  You my friend have earned those 100 flake points, and your team deserves a hug for having to have dealt with your flakage.   



Now add up your score.  If you have 100 points or more, you are a derby flake, pure and simple.  Maybe you see derby as a fun hobby or leisure pursuit, and that's all fine and dandy, until you join a team and make a commitment to other people.



If you have 90 points or less, you are in danger of becoming a flake.  Seriously reconsider the urge to flake out on your next commitment!  Flaking might not be in your core nature, but you are cultivating it as a permanent habit, so stop now!



If you have less than 50 points, you're doing all right.  Flakage happens, just keep flaking out to a minimum.



If you have less than twenty points, you are derby obsessed.  Maybe you need some flake time.  I kid, I kid, a little.



I understand that real life interferes in derby; that's normal and healthy!  I also understand that sometimes you need a break from derby drama and derby obligations, and that's normal and healthy too.  Sometimes we over book ourselves with derby activities, and then we feel overwhelmed; learn your limits.  Maybe pass up that invitational that would take you out of town yet again in the same month you had two travel games.  Maybe take a day off from practice to clear your head (just let your captains and coaches know what's going on) and come back to derby with a tighter focus! 

Should You Invest in More Protective Gear?

The more I play, watch and read about derby, the more I think we as skaters might want to consider getting more than the minimum protective gear.  Everyone has to wear mouth guards, helmets, wrist guards, elbow pads and knee pads.  Those are a given, but what else do you think the evolution of our sport demands?

First of all, I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads my blog on any kind of regular basis knows that I am a gigantic fan of shin guards.  I'm not sure if there is a more painful "minor" injury in our sport than getting kicked in the shins by another skater.  If you haven't been kicked in the shins in derby, you are lucky, and also, GET READY, it's coming.  Close packs and sprints to catch the jammer cause all sorts of kickbacks from skaters.  I've been wearing shin guards since my rookie year, after getting nailed by a vet when I was jamming, and I haven't regretted it since.  My shins are about the only part of my body that hasn't been permanently scarred by derby.  I know, you might get a few "You must suck at skating to have to wear those" looks from people, but who cares?  You're the one who has to live in your body for the rest of your life.  In fact, that's going to be an ongoing refrain for every bit of protective gear in this blog post.  You're not a wimp if you want to protect your body.



The second suggestion I have, and I can't believe this is considered to be "extra" protective gear by most people, but to get yourself a good pair of knee gaskets.  Some women on my team skate without them, and by "some" read "young".  The older I get, the more I notice my knees, and that was happening before derby; gaskets are a good idea no matter how old or young you are.  They also help keep the derby funk from infecting your knee pads. Knee pads are a pain to replace, and washing them can be awkward.  Gaskets help keep your sweat off of the knee pads, along with keeping your knee supported and even more padded.  Let's face it, knee pads slip all of the time; even the fancy custom ones can, so having a gasket to help keep your knees from being smashed on the floor is a good idea.



When I asked my protective gear question on Facebook, the number 2 suggestion was "protective padded shorts."  I'm not surprised; derby has changed.  What used to be a "rookie" injury has now become common place due to backward blocking, running backwards, and direction of game play being the norm.  When I was rehabbing my back injury, I sported a pair of these shorts.  They're comfortable, and they will protect your tailbone from most impact, but they are hot and the padding that protects your hip area doesn't go low enough, but they are a light weight option.  If you're really serious about butt, hip and tailbone protection, get you some Hillbilly Impact shorts, gurrrrrl.



Finally, I'm going to mention hockey helmets again.  The more derby goes on,  the more people I see wearing hockey helmets, which makes me smile. People are starting to take their brain safety seriously, and that is nothing but a good thing for our sport.  If you do choose to buy a hockey helmet,  you might think about adding a face shield to protect your schnozz.  During D1s and D2s, I started a running tally of how many times jammers were holding their faces from high blocks.  It was easily ten times for each game, and that's a lot of face hits.  Have you ever broken your nose in derby?  I have.  It is a very shocking and sobering injury, and it's one I hope nobody ever experiences!  If you have a hockey helmet, you can add a face shield to stop the face hits.  Right now, only one player in my league has a face shield, but a lot of us have hockey helmets. I think we might see more of them in the future, especially since most high blocks are missed by the refs.



Don't let someone ever talk you out of wearing the protective gear you feel is necessary.  Sometimes older skaters scoff at newer ideas in derby, including protective gear that might lend itself to this ever evolving game we play. I listen the to scoffing and then do my own research.  You should do the same.

Exercising in futility

“I’m going for a jog,” I said, then paused, letting those words hang in the air. 

“Wait, really?” my brain asked.  Then my eyes looked down at my feet and saw garish yellow shoes with built-in reflectors on them.

“I think he’s serious,” they reported.

I can understand why various body parts would be confused.  Between the ages of 18 and 34, I didn’t run a single mile.  At least not a consecutive mile.  If you added up all the times I ran across the room to keep one of my sons from falling down a flight of stairs, I might have logged more miles than, uh, you know, a famous long-distance runner.  For instance, several Kenyan people.  Also, the guy from Chariots of Fire.  Note to my young reader(s): If you want to get famous, long-distance running probably isn’t going to do the trick.  Keep posting Youtube videos of yourself riding shopping carts down ski jumps.  

Until last year, in answer to the question, “The last time you ran a mile, why did you do it?” I would have replied, “Because the gym teacher made me.  And so did the president.”

“It’s time for the President’s Physical Fitness Test,” Mr. Garber would say after blowing his whistle, smiling at our obvious distress.

We’d groan and rend our Umbro shorts at the beginning of the annual rite of passage, a battery of exercises designed to quantify our progress toward manhood.  It was like those National Geographic videos where the young tribal men jumped off a giant bamboo scaffold with vines tied to their ankles to demonstrate their courage, except I bet those guys didn’t have to try to touch their toes in front of the girls’ class.
 
By executive decree, though, we had no choice but to do all the exercises.

“Why does Bill Clinton care how many pull-ups I can do?” I’d wonder. 

When my turn at the pull-up bar came, I’d struggle and kick my way up to the bar a couple of times, then dangle for a while, wondering how long I’d have to hang there until my muscles got big enough to do another one.

I’d see Mr. Garber penciling a “2” on his clipboard beside my name as I dropped to the floor, ashamed that I’d failed my country.

Then I pictured the president’s chief of staff bursting into the Oval Office, waving Mr. Garber’s clipboard over his head.

“Sir, I’m afraid there’s a crisis.  We’re facing a severe shortage of adolescent upper-body strength in southeastern Pennsylvania.” 

But the pull-ups, though humiliating, were at least quick.  The mile run was the worst, oh, say, twenty-two minutes of the school year.  Or the worst seven minutes for the kids in decent shape, who then got to lounge at the finish line while the rest of us stumbled and wheezed across, hoping the girls across the field weren’t paying attention.   

So the president ruined me for running for a solid two decades, but the reality of approaching (okay, and possibly arriving at) middle age brought me back.

“I’m going for a jog” has always been one of those things that other people say, people who wear skintight pants in public and who know what gluten-free means.  But I’ve had to start saying it, too, because as you get older, you gain two pounds just by inhaling the steam off the pizza.     

A good thing about jogging when you’re in horrible shape is that, when it comes to setting personal bests, the competition is extremely weak.  For the first time in twenty years, though, I can jog a mile, sometimes even plural miles.  I kind of wish Mr. Garber would tell President Obama.  Presidents get pretty wrapped up in this stuff. 

You can blow past Mike Todd at mikectodd@gmail.com.

I Judge You By Your Derby Name

Yes yes, everyone knows about the debate about derby names; are they good for the sport?  Should we dump them?  Blah blah blahbety blah blah.  That debate isn't going anywhere, but I still have an opinion about derby names.  I instantly make a judgement about you from your name.  Oh don't give me that face. You chose that name to represent you, nobody forced you to take it, so I'm allowed to have an opinion about it, even if it isn't the correct one in your particular case.  These are all just generalities, so calm the eff down and have some fun with me.  I'm putting on my Judgey McJudgerson hat...three...two....one....go!



Girl name+ Tough thing= old Skool

This kind of name could also be referred to as the Marilyn Manson method of naming yourself.  His whole band took the names of famous models or actresses and the last name of serial killers to come up with their monikers.  Marilyn Monroe + Charles Manson, and you have a hell of a stage name.  A lot of original derby players used a similar method.  Suzy Hotrod, Bonnie Thunders, and Daisy Rage are just a few of these old skool naming conventions.  They are plain but tough names, and usually that means the skaters who have them have a ton of experience and damned good at skating.  Watch out for the Old Skool named skater!

Trudy Struction at her finest! Photo by Joshua R. Craig

Punny Names

Ah derby skaters, some of you are seriously clever people!  Great examples of punny names are Celia Fate, Trudy Struction, Shenita Stretcher, Cody Pendant and any name with "Anita" at the beginning of it.  If you have a punny name, it means you're good with words, probably funny, and you put thought into decisions.  I have a punny name too, but I was named by others, so it doesn't really apply.  I wish I was clever!  Some of you have such clever names, I have to sit and sound them out when I'm reading a program.  I feel like I'm reading vanity plates on a road trip.  Some I get right away, and some take me a while, and boy do I feel stupid when I figure them out!



Popular Culture Name Parodies

These are risky, because how popular are the people you parody going to be during your derby career?  Grim Carrey, Grace Killy, Pelvis Costello and Billie Brawliday are few of the successful ones, because the stars they're parodying have staying power. Derby skaters with parodied names are clever and very very aware of popular culture.  They also want a little bit of the shared glory, so they might wear outrageous boutfits or step up to jam a lot.



Literary Reference Names

Skaters with literary references are beyond clever, they're intelligent and bibliophiles. Tart of Darkness, Something Wicked, Goldie Bloxx,  H.P. Lovecrash, and Hanna Belle Lector are just to name a few.  Skaters with literary names make me feel smart when I can figure out just what they're referring to.  Yea!  I also approach skaters with literary names a bit cautiously....have they been reading The Art of War?

And why isn't that a derby name?



The Ridiculously Sublime Names

Skaters with the ridiculous names, names that shouldn't be names, but are AWESOME in their unnameness are like finding two fortunes in one fortune cookie, and they both are fantastically positive!  I rejoice in the ridiculously sublime names!  Some of my favorites, Shark Week, Robot Unicorn Attack, Whippety Pow, Bork Bork Bork and Lady Quebeaum are all just fantastic names.  You skaters have a shiny aura around you when you're on the track. Such imagination!  Such pizazz!  Such testicular fortitude!   I wish I could be that bold!



Alcohol Based Names

If you have an alcohol based name, I think you like to drink.  Am I wrong?  It also follows that if you have a marijuana reference in your name, you like marijuana.  That's obvious, yes?  Yes.  Moving on.



Offensive Names

You picked an offensive name, so am I too far off in saying that you want to offend people?  If your name has a racial slur, or a cleverly hidden C-word in it, you probably wanted to cause a stir, get in people's faces, and congratulations, you have.  I judge thee offensive!  I always think it's funny when someone has an obnoxious name, and they get offended when someone calls them out on it.  "How dare you judge me!"  Honey, I dare because you signed up for it with that name.  And no, I'm not going to call anyone out in particular, but go and check out Two Evils when you get bored at work and just count how many crude names there are.  It might make a good drinking game for the paragraph above.



Judgey McJudgerson signing off!

Do you know your rights?

Photo by http://www.shannoncooperphotography.com/

I asked a question on FB about derby injuries and work.  The responses were varied, but a derby legal brain spoke up and wrote this amazing blog to help the rest of us figure out what we can do when we are injured and may have to miss work.  Everyone needs to know her rights.  Please read.










 Derby Injuries and Employment Law
By Sensa Doom, a/k/a Kris Finlon (attorney at James McElroy & Diehl, P.A.)

I’ve been a Charlotte Roller Girl for close to a year now, but my alter ego still practices law, including a lot of employment law.  So I read with interest the questions of how work and derby intersect.  What happens if you get hurt on the track, and it affects your job?  What can you do?  Obviously, I can’t provide you with legal advice here – employment cases are very fact-specific, and if an issue arises you should definitely contact an attorney who can analyze your specific situation.  Also, you may be a member of a union, subject to a collective bargaining agreement, or living in a state with specific laws that might govern some of these issues.  And if your employer has a specific policy prohibiting you from engaging in dangerous activities outside of work, that’s going to affect your rights.  But hopefully this general overview will help you understand how to advocate for yourself, or when to find help if necessary.

So let’s say you got hurt.  Maybe you broke a bone, or got a concussion.  You might need surgery, or physical therapy, or just a battery of tests and doctors’ appointments to find out what’s wrong.  Maybe you can’t stand all day, or pick up heavy things, or sit for long hours, or type, or otherwise perform the duties that you usually do.  What do you need to know?

Medical leave.  If you have sufficient sick leave or other paid time off to cover any absence or medical appointments you need for your injury, leave may not be a problem for you.  However, the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) may, depending upon the size of the employer and some other factors, provide additional protections to eligible employees, including up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave, the requirement that employment benefits be continued during the leave, and the guarantee that the employee will be permitted to return to her job (or its equivalent) at the end of the leave.  You should consult with your employer’s human resources department, or an outside attorney if necessary, to determine whether you are eligible for FMLA leave, and whether it fits your situation.

Disability.  The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) prohibits discrimination against an employee who has a condition which substantially limits a major life activity.  Recent changes to the ADA say that even a temporary impairment may be a substantial limitation, and may therefore qualify as a disability.  If you qualify as “disabled” under the ADA, you may be protected from discrimination, retaliation, and harassment because of your disability.  You may also be entitled to ask your employer for a reasonable accommodation of your disability, so long as the accommodation doesn’t impose an undue burden on your employer and will enable you to perform the essential functions of your job.  If you need an accommodation, you should obtain the necessary documentation from your health care provider, then talk to your employer’s human resources department, or an outside attorney if necessary, to see what measures can be taken.

Workers' compensation.  Workers' compensation laws can provide for medical coverage and some partial salary payments in the event an employee is injured on the job.  Assuming none of us are paid to play derby, how does this help you?  Well, it may not help if you get injured playing derby.  But if you have a pre-existing derby injury that is exacerbated by your job, then you may be eligible for benefits for the re-injury you suffered while working.  If you think you may be eligible for workers’ compensation, you should talk with a workers’ compensation attorney, to see whether you can pursue a claim.

Discrimination claims.  There were some comments in response to Q’s Facebook post about discrimination.  Let me talk about that for a moment.  As a woman who’s been engaged in full-contact sports for most of my professional career, I've noticed that my injuries tend to get treated a little differently from the similar injuries of my (usually male) counterparts, and even from the injuries incurred by female counterparts who acquired them in more conventional ways.  You may have noticed the same thing.  However, that differential treatment may not rise to the level of actionable discrimination.  For example, Title VII of the Civil Rights Act prohibits employment discrimination “because of” gender.  If my employer is more accommodating to a male attorney who broke his arm playing rugby than it is to me after I broke my arm playing roller derby, then yes, that might make me think there is some discrimination going on.  However, if my employer was very accommodating to a female coworker who broke her wrist falling down the stairs, then maybe I’m not being discriminated against because I’m female – maybe it’s just because I play derby.  That’s different.  The inquiry will be very fact-specific, and a claim for gender-based discrimination may be an uphill battle.  That's not to say that your situation might not actually rise to the level of actionable discrimination, but it's definitely something you should discuss with a lawyer.

Should I tell my employer the truth about how I got hurt?  If you’re not applying for worker’s compensation, your employer does not have specific policies against dangerous activities, and there are no other reasons in play requiring you to provide information, you probably don’t need to volunteer how you got hurt.  If you are volunteering information, however, as a general rule, you should tell the truth about how you were injured.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  First, while it may not be legal for your boss to fire you just because you got hurt, that doesn’t mean he or she can’t fire you for lying.  So if you’re dishonest, you might just be giving your employer an excuse to fire you.  Also, if you do wind up pursuing a claim relating to your injury, lying to your employer means that there are conflicting stories out there, which will hurt your credibility, and probably also will give your attorney migraines (I speak from personal experience on this one).  Additionally, if you are applying for some kind of benefit, you may well be certifying to the truth of the information on your application.  In any case, you should be very leery about fabricating the cause of your injuries.

Absenteeism.  A word of warning: the odds are good that, assuming you’re in the United States, you live in an at-will employment state.  That means that you can be fired for any reason, or no reason at all, so long as you aren’t actually fired for an illegal reason.  And for our purposes here, this means that, if you miss excessive amounts of work due to injuries – particularly if you aren’t eligible for (or haven’t invoked your rights to) the legal protections discussed above – your employer may be within its rights to decide that you are just too much trouble to keep.  Assuming you want to keep your job, you need to make sure that you understand exactly what your employer’s expectations are, and figure out what you can do to meet them.  It also means that, if you’re injured, for heaven’s sake take care of yourself.  Don’t start pushing your injured body too early (whether on the track or off of it) and risk another injury and yet more time out of work.  It’s bad for you, it’s bad for your team, and it’s probably bad for your employment. 

Your specific situation may have variables at play that can’t be predicted in a general overview.  The bottom line is that issues relating to your particular employment are very case-specific, and your options are going to depend on a lot of different variables, ranging from the state you live in and your employer’s personnel policies to the nature of your duties and your record as an employee.  Hopefully, you won’t get injured – but if you do, and if it affects your job in some way, you should consult with an employment attorney who can advise you based on the specifics of your personal situation.

Not much labor going on around here

What?  You're off celebrating Labor Day and don't have time to read a column?  Dude, that works out really well for both of us, since I didn't write one. 

How about we slap some hiking pictures from a few weeks ago out here and call it even?  Done.

Anyway, happy Labor Day, all!  And if you're a Russian comment-spammer or other person from another country, happy Monday!

Is There a Transfer in Your Future?

My teammate has jumped in again and saved the day!  Read some of the situations you might find yourself in if transferring to a new league is in your derby future!

Neura is such a work out beast!

By Neuralize HER



Thinking about transferring?

I am a transfer skater; I have skated for 4 different leagues in my 4 years of skating. I went from banked track to flat track then moved across the country and started with a small, local league then decided to up my game and drive 2 hours to skate more competitively. I currently skate with Carolina Rollergirls out of Raleigh, NC and live in New Bern, NC which equates to that 2 hours of drive time, but I am happy there as I really love my team and the opportunity to get to skate with and against higher-level derby teams.



I haven’t seen many articles on transferring or why ultimately one decides to do so. It can be a clean break, sometimes it can be messy, and sometimes it can be outright brutal depending on the skater, league, and circumstances.



Let’s start out with the easy transfer:

1. You are moving far far away and can no longer play with your current league.

This one is pretty easily understandable by all of your current league mates – they will miss you but there should be no bad blood or hurt feelings happening here. The new league welcoming you should also be less suspicious, and, if they were to ask your old league about you they would only get glowing reviews.



A little more sticky….

2. You are more experienced or growing beyond the current skill level of your current team and feel that you will no longer progress in the league you are with. 

This one is sticky and tricky. There are a lot of things to think about. Did you come in as an experienced skater? Maybe you weren’t aware of the exact skill level of the team then and that can be pretty understandable and forgivable by likely the skaters on your current team as well as a new league you may transfer to, but the important thing here is HONESTY and truthfulness. You don’t want to be sneaky and devious here. However, on the flip side, you also need to think about if you are accurately assessing your skill – if you really think the training in your current league is lacking, try guest skating a few times with the team you are thinking about transferring to or any other league in the area. You might be surprised, or you may be entirely accurate. You may also need to admit to yourself that perhaps it isn’t that the experience level is below your current skill, but another league and the way  they explain things may just seem to ‘click’ for you at the time. This can be acceptable too. But write down your reasons, and figure out what it is your expectations are. A list of pros and cons also works, then make some time to talk to your coach, captain, etc…from your current league about your thoughts.



OR…



The current league you skate with is far beyond your skill level and you are having trouble keeping up and/or do not want to wait and hope you make a roster somewhere in the next ‘maybe’ 5 years. Be realistic about your immediate, short-term, and long-term goals. Do you want to be an All-star on a highly competitive team but you are severely lacking in talent or skill? How much time are you willing to commit to making yourself ready to skate at that level? Do you plan on skating for several years to hone your skills, or are you really more interested in staying local to the area and you really view derby as your hobby and a fun thing you do in your spare time? If you are skater A: not a ton of skill but wants to be playing on a competitive roster one day and is willing to devote the time to get better, you ‘may’ want to  stay put and make your desires known. Show up to every practice, work hard, understand your social life outside of derby will become severely handicapped, and know you still you may not make that roster. If you are skater B, however then: you may not be able to devote as much time as necessary to get on a super-competitive teams roster, but there might be a more local, less competitive league that you will be rostered to skate with right now or in the relatively near-future. You enjoy skating and playing derby, but you are not worried or concerned about becoming that world-class A-level skater nor do you want to wait a year or so to get on a roster.  This might be another reason you want to transfer.



It’s bad, drama all around; likely you aren’t being welcomed back…

3. I don’t know what you’ve done but it was enough to piss someone or several someone’s off in your current league.

I also don’t know if you’ve taken responsibility for your actions, if you were unjustifiably accused, or you really are just that irresponsible and/or mean-spirited to do such things. Ask yourself…how many leagues in how many months have you transferred to/from? If it is several…there may be a problem with you and you need to do some soul-searching. Your ‘new’ league mates should also be wary of this person.  However, it may also be a case of that particular ‘league’ in general the skater is coming from that is drama-focused and mean- girlesque. I will leave it to you to investigate and know your teammates and surrounding derby leagues; I’m pretty sure you all know what I’m talking about if you’ve been skating for awhile.



Skater, if you were part of a drama-filled league and this happened to you, please do not quit skating! Again, assess what you want in a derby league and skate a few practices with that team first to see if it is what you are looking for. Ask other friends in that league how they like it. There are a lot of variables with this one, but I find it best to remember WHY you started to skate derby and find a league that is along your same wavelength. On the flipside, if you are that skater that likes to stir the pot, you will probably not be as welcomed to a new team as you might think, and guess what? You’re lucky they invited you to practice with them; you need to earn their trust. Or you can continue not taking responsibility for yourself and your actions and likely get kicked out of another league – it’s your choice really….but I like to remember these 3 words: STOP THE BLAME. If you truly have turned a corner in your life, just know that not everyone can see that or knows that so you need to be careful to not get frustrated when you are not automatically trusted or welcomed right off…and sometimes it may never happen so just know that and yes, you need to accept that too.





Don’t be surprised also if some of these reasons overlap one another. My first league transfer I had a few overlapping reasons why I wanted to transfer, and I left on good terms.  I still talk to a lot of those ladies and still enjoyed going to some of their games on occasion. Again, when I moved across the country I transferred to a smaller, local league but ultimately in my heart I knew I wanted to play really competitive high-level derby so I switched and spoke to them about it and left on good terms. In fact, I still attend some of their practices when I can’t make the 2 hours to Raleigh on any given day.



As I said earlier, there is likely a bit of overlap on why you may be considering transferring leagues. Being open and honest with both your current and prospective team is the way to go; if you are devious and sneaky about it, people will suspect you even if your reasons truly are genuine.  Write the list of pros and cons – consider what your goals are as a skater and the path to get there – and viola you will be successful and happy in your derby career in the league you ultimately decide to go to or stay with.

Please feel free to email any comments or questions!  neuralizeHER@carolinarollergirls.com

Something stinky this way comes

Just beyond the reach of the floodlight, something bad was happening.

“Memphis, get back here!  MEMPHIS!  No, no, no, no, no, no.  Aw, dude, this is bad,” I said. 

“What’s going on?” my wife Kara asked from her hotel room in Tulsa.  We’d been on the phone, saying goodnight during her work trip, when I’d decided to take the dog for one last visit to the backyard.  Rather than meandering down the stairs like usual, Memphis bolted down in one leap, ran to the edge of yard and then pulled up short, jumping and growling.  In the darkness just beyond her, I could see an occasional flash of white fur.

The regular reader(s) of this column will recall that last week, I discovered the laxative effect of having a large timber rattlesnake announce its presence beside my foot.  This column is the second (and I sincerely hope final) installment of a series I’m tentatively calling “Nature Sucks.” 

“Memphis!  Memphis!” I called, but the commotion continued.  A feral white cat lives in our neighborhood, emerging every couple of months to prove that it can take care of itself just fine without humans and their Fancy Feasts.  Memphis, I assumed, was tangling with the wrong feline.

Just as I started to run out to extract Memphis, she came slinking back into the light, trotting toward me with her head down. 

“Something’s not right.  This is bad,” I told Kara.

I opened the door and brought Memphis inside, turning up the kitchen light so I could get a better look.  No obvious damage, but she looked distressed.   

“I don’t see any blood,” I said, and that’s when it hit. 

“Aw, DUDE!” I said, throwing the door back open and commanding Memphis outside.  But it was too late.  She’d already brushed against the curtains, stepped on our carpet and wafted all over the place.  Apparently, from a distance, in the dark, much like Pepe le Pew, I can’t tell the difference between a cat and a skunk.

When you drive by a skunk, you think, “Hey, you know what?  That smells kind of bad.”

But when your dog takes a direct hit to the face and then comes into your kitchen, the input to your senses can no longer be described as a smell.  It’s a full sensory overload.  The concentrated stench of burnt rubber and sulfur would have made Satan dry heave.  It felt like a NASCAR race had just taken place inside my mouth, and all the drivers had just burnt their hair with curling irons. 

All of this is just a long preamble to explain to my neighbors why I was running around in my underwear at 1AM last week, cussing and chasing the dog with the garden hose, soap suds flying everywhere.

“Sorry I’m not there to help,” Kara told me after my initial pass at the dog, though part of me figured this was cosmic payback for the time both kids caught a stomach bug while I was in North Carolina.

“I can’t go to the store with the kids asleep upstairs, so I just had to use what we have in the house: Palmolive and Head & Shoulders.  Memphis still stinks, but she won’t be getting dandruff anytime soon,” I replied.

“What about baking soda?  That might work,” Kara suggested.

One helpful Internet post I’d read on the topic of skunk remediation said that if you didn’t get rid of the smell right after the incident, the odor could persist for up to two years.  So I dumped half-a-box of Arm & Hammer on the dog.

“Did it work?” Kara asked.  Memphis looked pasty and pathetic as she rolled around in the yard.

“I think it helped,” I replied.  “But if a heat wave comes through tomorrow, she might turn into a casserole.”

You can bathe Mike Todd in tomato juice at mikectodd@gmail.com.

Playing Up. Do It.

Man, I remember being on the B team in my league, the Bootleggers, and dreading scrimmaging against our Allstars.  I would dread that practice for days on end, and get really worried about the whole situation, especially when I first started playing.  I kept thinking, "Why the hell would the Allstars WANT to play us Bootleggers?"  I was convinced that they wanted to just pound the snot out of us for ego sake.  It was demoralizing, because when I first started, I just didn't have the skills to do anything but get my butt handed to me.  I couldn't even figure out what was happening because I was so new and inexperienced.  Poor newbie me!  I finally understood why scrimmage was called the blender.



Flash forward in time, and I was a seasoned skater with a pretty good selection of skills, but still on the Bootleggers.  When we had to scrimmage against the Allstars, I didn't dread it so much as be resigned to it.  Yes, we were going to get our butts kicked, but I wasn't as confused as I was when I was new.  I started to see what I needed to be working on, or what I needed to do to play against such an overwhelming force.  I started to see the holes when I was jamming, or how I could booty block a jammer and keep her longer.  Of course, seeing this kind of stuff is waaaaaay different from actually being able to do something about it, but my confidence was growing.  I didn't worry so much as say to myself "Man, this is going to suck, but you'll survive."



With even more experience and time on skates, I started not to hate scrimmaging the Allstars.  In fact, I started to look forward to it.  Crazy as it sounds, I enjoyed the small victories I was able to pull off on the track against them.  Did I get lead jammer?  Not necessarily, but I was able to make it out of the pack and make her call it after only four points.  That was a victory in my book at that time.  The Allstars started to notice, especially when I was a blocker in the pack; if I heard someone say "Get on Q" I knew I was doing a good job, and every time we scrimmaged, I was challenged and challenging!



Now that I'm on the A team, I'm an advocate for playing the B team once in a while. Everyone in your league should be training to get better, and playing against people who are better than you is an excellent way to improve your skills. Playing "up" is one of the best ways to get better in derby, period.  Unfortunately, it's also a great way of getting your spirit crushed if you're not ready mentally for the challenge, and since we all want to avoid butthurt, here are some ways to approach a scrimmage or even a game where you are going to get overwhelmed and possibly stomped on by a better team.

Hugging each other helps too.  Photo by A Boy Named Tsunami

1.  Accept that you are outclassed, but don't give into it.  Yes, they're a better team.  So what? Just because they're better than you are, that doesn't mean you suck.  A lot of people in derby think just because someone is better, then it automatically follows that the other person is terrible.  Everyone has different skills in derby, and you bring good stuff to the track too.  Don't let it get into your head that you suck, because you don't.



2.  Look for the small victories.  Did you hold that jammer by yourself?  Did your jammer make points?  Did you get away from that really amazing blocker?  Did you stop the other team from recycling?  These are all victories to savor.  It means you were being effective against a dominant team.  Sometimes the best victory you can hope for is a zero zero jam.  VICTORY!



3.  Each jam is its own jam.  When you're battling it out against a stronger team, you have to approach each jam as its own game.  If you start thinking "Man, we haven't gotten lead yet!" you're doomed.  Jamnesia, people. It's a thing.



4.  Don't get desperate.  People who are outclassed start trying to do anything they can to stop the bleeding.  Keep doing what you can do.  Don't start getting penalty happy just because you're being challenged.  It's an easy trap to fall into, so don't beat yourself up if you do!  Just be aware that it is out there, the desperation, waiting for you.  Avoid desperation and remember, you know how to skate derby!



5.  Don't take it personally.  Yes, getting hit over and over and over again sucks donkey genitalia.  It's frustrating, painful and it makes you feel weak, but it happens in derby.  People are doing their jobs on the track, and if you're wearing the jammer panty, you're their job, unfortunately.  Take it as a sign of respect that the stronger team isn't letting up on you.  It means they are treating you as a worthy foe.



Now that I'm on the Allstars, I try to follow two simple rules when I'm playing against the Bootleggers.  I do this because I respect them and I want them to get better, like I did.



1.  Don't make it personal.  I'm doing my job as a blocker or jammer, and I'm not going to gloat that I knocked you down.  I knocked you down because it was my task out there.  That's it.  If you feel I'm picking on you because I kept hitting you, I'm sorry, but that's what derby is.



2.  Show no mercy.  I don't play down when I'm in this situation.  I play like I'm playing Gotham.  It's the only way to show anyone any kind of respect in this sport.  Going easy on someone because they're less skilled is just douchey and really condescending.  It's just not how I roll, yo.



So there it is.  Do you play your A team vs. your B team?  How do you handle the situation? 

Rollercon 2013 Wrap up

I asked my teammate, Neuralize Her, to write about her impressions and adventures at Rollercon this year.  I know it seems premature to be planning your itineraries for next year, but Rollercon is one of those things you need to start planning to save up for NOW.  Neuro is an old pro at Rollercon, since this was her third year. And now, in her own words.......

I traveled out last Wednesday with my boyfriend for my third year at RollerCon held in Las Vegas, NV. I’m pretty sure all of you know what it is, but if not I describe it as the largest gathering of roller derby people worldwide; this year boasted 5000+ attendees. It was held at the Riviera, same place as for the last 2 years, and it really is the perfect venue as every single event occurs under the same roof. I believe if you are a roller derby skater/ref. fanatic, etc or involved in derby in any way, shape, or form this is an event you need to attend at least once in your lifetime as there is an experience for every person involved with the sport.



I will breakdown a few topics so I can try to give a good overview. First off, what really seems to be the MOST limiting factor as to why people can’t or don’t attend RollerCon is cost. COST SAVING TIPS: The earlier you plan, the cheaper and more affordable it is. Tickets normally go on sale Thanksgiving weekend every year; if you’re planning on going next year, 23-27 July 2014, buy them at this time. MVP passes sell out FAST!!! You will be able to purchase tickets for under $100 but from here on out the price will increase as it gets closer.



What is the MVP pass? Well, if you want to take any on skates training classes, this is the pass you need. If you are not interested in taking classes, you can wait another month or so until skater passes go on sale; this is the pass to get if you are only interested in skating in bouts, scrimmages, and challenges and don’t want to wait in line for any classes. There are also spectator passes if you don’t want to skate. Then buy your plane ticket ASAP – as you are likely aware, these go up the closer RollerCon gets. I found this was the most expensive part of the trip for me. For your lodging, the Riviera offers a great discount for RollerCon attendees but you need to book ASAP as they fill quickly- sharing rooms greatly reduces the cost. And lastly, there are some grocery stores within walking distance so you can buy food for your room as the food in the hotel can get costly.



Since many of your questions can be answered on their website, rollercon.net I would like to talk about my experience this year and what keeps me coming back year after year. On-skates Classes. I am admittedly not a big fan of the classes because you normally have to wait in line for an hour or so and ‘hope’ you get a spot in that particular class, and I had a skater pass this year so I did not attend any, but from those that did they said the actual content and coaches skill levels were excellent. The lines definitely looked shorter this year and I can tell they have been working hard on improving wait times and amount of classes offered. Advice is that classes during non-peak hours such as first thing in the morning or last thing at night when the parties are going on as well as when any of the big name bouts are scheduled tend to be less crowded. A few of the coaches included Hockey Honey, Smarty Pants, Suzy Hotrod, Quadzilla, Stefanie Mainey, Demanda  Riot, Juke Boxx, and so many more …pretty much every big name skater you can think of, they were there coaching.



Open skate/Open scrimmage

If you have a skater or MVP pass, you can participate. These are held every other hours (i.e 10am open skate 11 am open scrimmage, etccc.) ALL day long…literally you can skate from 9am until midnite every day!!! So YES you can skate A LOT all the time!! I only attended one open scrimmage. Because RollerCon is (thankfully) run by amazing volunteers, there is a shortage of refs in this room since they are needed more for the full bouts and challenges on the competition tracks. These can be fun, but fair warning ALL skill levels are welcome and I’ve found there is a much higher chance of getting injured in the open scrimmages so please be fair-warned.



Challenge bouts

This is the reason I come to RollerCon – to skate skate and skate more!! If you want in on these challenge bouts, as soon as you decide you are going and have bought your ticket you need to get on the forum! The link for the forum is on the website. A lot of first time skater s don’t realize this until most of them are already full. These are 30-min bouts and have all kinds of different themes! Come prepared with every shirt every color of the rainbow and if there are jump-in spots available day of, be prepared to use another skater’s number that may have not shown up. Also please appropriately assess your skill level; RollerCon has gotten a lot better at assigning skill levels and appropriate challenge bouts for each level from first-time bouter to Team USA vets. In other words, if you put yourself down as an advanced skater, please be prepared to share a team with the likes of Suzy Hotrod and Demanda Riot! You don’t necessarily need to be as awesome a skater as them, but you do need to be able to keep up with the pack and catch on quickly to all the strategies taking place. I had the opportunity to skate in 14 challenge bouts while at RC and with some very amazing and talented skaters – for me, this is really how I learn to skate better. I enjoy skating with and working with other skaters, and if it is a superstar skater I try to get on their line and skate close to them  so I can pay close attn to what they do in each situation.



Full-length bouts

These are scheduled at lunch and dinner normally and are for advanced skaters only. They include iterations of WFTDA-sanctioned bouts (this year they had Rocky Mtn, Denver, Arch Rival, Tampa, and Sin City) and high-level pickup teams such as Team Antik, Team SeXY, Chupacabras Peligroso and Team Vagine Regime to name a few. The most anticipated bout each year seems to be the Team Vagine v Team Caulksuckers bout as the costumes and super-close games from year to year really make it a highlight of RollerCon. This year Team Vagine won by I think 5 pts in an overtime jam, and last year Caulksuckers won by I believe it was only 1 pt!  These 2 teams included the likes of Scald Eagle, Hockey Honey, Ivanna S Pankin, 4Closer, Death by Chocolate, to name a few. You may have the opportunity to skate on one or a few of these if you are a high-level skater, but normally these are already ‘rostered’ pickup teams that at times play in other bouts during the year. I had the fantastically fun opportunity to play in the full-length USARS showcase bout for the first time ever at RollerCon this year and I gotta say USARS is HELLA fun!! I do like skating fast and faster however so it may not be for everyone and my one critique is there were a lot of timeouts as I’m not to sure all of the refs were well-read on these rules yet. But I do recommend you try this ruleset if you can…I really enjoyed that it involved a lot of endurance and NO clockwise skating whatsoever, which is what I generally think leads to a lot of injuries in WFTDA.



Social events/parties

There are themed parties every night, from the Riedell costume party where the best costume wins a shitload of Riedell stuff to the pants off dance off and then the infamous Black n blue ball. There are also derby weddings, a scavenger hunt, and a 24/7 pool party….I went to the Riedell party for a bit this year and then fell asleep getting ready for the black n blue ball sooooo you can tell how much of a ‘party’ animal I am. But it’s all about what you are looking to get out of or do at RollerCon. Since I wanted to skate and skate so much, all the social events kind of went by the wayside for me (as they kinda do every year) but again it totally depends on what you want to do while you are there.



Vendors

So I did open this up with how much you can make RollerCon cost effective right? Well you can……but, you also should NOT look at any of the vendors there then! If you’re

like me and you see derby gear, shirts, paraphernalia you just have to have well YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT!!! And you will see that there- they have between 5 and 6 conference rooms full of vendors not to mention the 4 rows that surround the main competition track. Really anything you can think of is there….Riedell, Atom Wheels, Derby Famous, Wicked, Derbalife, Five on Five magazine, derbyskinz, Crazy skates, Sin City skates….and on and on…plus they had a wonderful massage therapist and athletic tape lady this year that saved my day! So…yes bring a little extra money if you can. And usually they are all running deals at RollerCon..if you can wait until Sunday (last day of RC), a lot of the stuff goes on sale too.



Seminars/Off skates training

These are kinda a great way to get a little distance from the ‘fun’ chaos that is RC. Seminars are normally held in smaller groups related to any sort of topic you can think of to officials training, learning how to run a great bench, recruiting skaters and volunteers…I happened to attend a seminar on sports psychology on how to ‘up’ my mental game with Catholic Cruel Girl from Rocky Mtn and it gave me some good advice and stuff to think about before I prepare to skate. I really enjoyed the time ‘away’ from the fun chaos to focus on some other derby stuff in a quieter setting and in a small group. The off skates training is also good for something different – there was some great yoga everyday to stretch out those sore, tired muscles as well as plyo classes and speedwork and agility footwork classes at the top of the Riviera. I did not attend any this year as I was skating to much and wanted to really focus my time on that. Last year, however, I did do the yoga and it felt great before putting on my skates that day. Most of the coaches also were the same that taught the on-skates classes.



There is something for every level of skater here, so there is no reason NOT to go. If you are a brand new skater, you will learn a lot and likely improve more than you think in just a couple of days. Vets, you will get a break from a lot of the pressure on the travel team and be able to play in a fun, action-packed atmosphere with your friends, old and new. The worst thing is leaving – it normally takes me about a week to get back into the rhythm of ‘normal’ life from the routine at Rollercon where I am skating itll nearly midnight most days and waking up around 9am to do it all over again! Of course, I also did not party hard so I’m sure there are many who had a ‘different’ schedule then myself. All in all, YES you should go, at least once in your derby career – there really is no other roller derby experience like it anywhere else. The best part for me was all of the amazing people I met and the opportunity to skate next to and with some of my derby heroes. Huzzah RollerCon!!! See ya all next year!!!



Xo Neuro

Pit vipers can really rattle you

The eastern timber rattlesnake hardly ever shows aggression towards humans, so, if you really think about it, I’m actually quite fortunate.  If I wasn’t a super-lucky dude, I probably wouldn’t have encountered the largest pit viper in North America at all.  That gigantic, venomous reptile might have just heard me coming and hidden somewhere until I’d wandered past, subjecting me to a serene, boring day in the woods without any heart palpitations at all. 

But I am a lucky person.

I’d set off down the trail last Saturday as a part of an elite expeditionary force, consisting of me, my 40-pound dog Memphis and my fifteen-month-old son, Zack.  We might not sound that elite, but right in the corner of Zack’s nursery, you’ll find a Diaper Genie II Elite model, which they don’t sell to just anyone (unless they have diapers to dispose of).  It says “Elite” right on the thing.  We have credentials.

The rest of our family had a baby shower to attend that day, so they missed out on our luck-filled adventure.

“I’m going to Julie’s baby shower tomorrow.  You can come with me and eat cake and help open presents, or you can go hiking with Zack and Daddy,” my wife Kara had explained to our four-year-old son Evan.

Evan loves hiking.  Something deep inside him just connects to the sounds of the birds, the crunch of the leaves under his feet and the unwrapping of the candy bar his father bribes him with.  (Go ahead and judge, but I bet Thoreau’s dad hooked him up with some serious candy in his formative years.)

But I knew I had no chance when the decision boiled down to this: Mommy and cake, or Daddy and exercise.  His four-year-old brain couldn’t even process the decision anymore once it hit the word “cake.” 

Without Evan on our expedition, I decided we’d go further from home and tackle a larger, more remote hike.  About five minutes up the trail from the parking area, Memphis trotted twenty feet ahead of me.  Zack sat perched on my back, quietly enjoying the ride, just as his big brother had done so many times before.

I was just getting my camera strap adjusted around my neck when this sound came from the bushes beside my ankle.  “I’M CONSIDERING KILLING YOU!” it said.

Actually, that’s just how I translated it, but the rattle sounded like a child’s car that you pull back, but instead of letting it go, you pick it up and let the wheels spin.  It wasn’t the gentle tika-tika-tika noise I would have expected.  The rattle was fast, urgent and an effective cure for constipation.

I looked down and saw a large, ornate snake within easy striking distance of my leg, piled on top of itself like a hastily coiled garden hose.  He watched as I jumped, cussed and scooted away, my heart pounding as I put precious distance between us.  Then he slowly straightened out and slithered across the trail as if to say, “Glad we have that settled.”    

In the research I’ve done since, I found that timber rattlesnakes are generally docile, rarely rattle at people, and even when they lunge, they often do so as a warning, with their mouths closed.  The majority of bites happen to adult males who intentionally provoke the snake, often while drunk or otherwise intoxicated.  At first, this sounds like damning evidence against my gender, but you can say this about us: At least we know better when we’re sober.

After the snake slithered into the bushes, heading for the open field beyond, I stopped to collect my breath and my thoughts.  Memphis trotted back and stood next to me.

“We’re pretty lucky, huh?” I asked her, giving her a pat. 

And indeed, we were.  Also, I’m lucky Zack’s not old enough to repeat the words he learned that day.

You can weld cast iron shin guards with Mike Todd at mikectodd@gmail.com.