I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.
(unless I buy something)
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park elsewhere!
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space,
why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.
No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Children seldom mis-quote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Girls are like roads, the more they curve, the more dangerous they are.
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Only in North America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
They call it "PMS" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Born Free... Taxed to Death
If at first you don't succeed...... you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing
Clones are people two.
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